Well, it's my 25th birthday today and honestly, nothing feels different. I can't believe I'm 25 already... it seems like yesterday that I was a little boy wearing my Dukes of Hazard t-shirt and playing GI Joe outside my home. Where did the years go?

I wouldn't mind staying 25 for a few years... I'm halfway to 30 and that is scary as hell to me! Hehe...

This birthday is bittersweet, however. Sure, birthdays and holidays basically suck the older you get but for me, I can't help but feel sad on this day cause there is someone who should also be celebrating his birthday on this same day: my twin brother. Many people don't know about my twin brother, and it's not because I try to hide it... it's mainly because he never really crosses my mind... that is until September 2000.

My twin was still-born when I was born on March 26, 1977. I was a month premature myself weighing around 3lbs and had to live in an incubator at Radcliffe Infirmary in Oxford, England for a while. My brother was buried at Wolvercote Cemetery located in Oxford in an unmarked grave with other babies that were stillborn.

Like I mentioned earlier, I never really thought about him. My mom would occasionally bring it up but it was never really discussed and I guess I just never felt like it was that important, which is sad and I'm ashamed of it now. In September 2000, I had the opportunity to fly to London to catch the three Radiohead shows in Victoria Park. I planned the day after the concerts to take the train to Oxford, by myself, and visit my brother.

When I arrived in Oxford, I was instantly lost since my family and I left England when I was three for the US. I explored the streets and the neat little shops and made my way (after figuring out how the bus system worked) to Wolvercote Cemetery. It was a beautiful day and as I walked in to the cemetery, I instantly became anxious (or nervous?). It took a while to find the section where my brother was buried, which is basically a small field with a bench and a monument placed there by SANDS (Still-born and Neo-Natal Death Society)(see above s). When I saw this monument, a feeling that I cannot even begin to explain came through my body. I felt complete for the first time in my life. It was amazing, it was saddening, it was emotional. I sat on the little bench in the little field and looked at the monument for about an hour. I cried. I apologized to my brother for not thinking about him. I wrote him a letter, which I placed on the monument. I'm not sure why I did this but it made me feel better.

I left the cemetery feeling much better, and with a new promise to him that he would not be forgotten. It could of been me instead of him.

They say twins have a bond between them, that they can almost read each other's feelings... almost psychic like. There are times in my life when something feels missing and I'm willing to bet that it's the lack of that bond. My mind often wonders what it would be like and what it would feel like to have him alive.

So, on this day, our birthday, I think about him like I do everyday and I blow a candle out for him.

Apologies for the long post... I think I needed to get that out.