I'm sitting here at 2:10 am listening to an old audio cassette that was labeled "Christmas 1979" that I had found in a box.

I put it on and immediately heard both my Mom and Dad talking to a very young child... me! Christmas 1979... I was only 2 then and we were living near Oxford, England in a small village called Souldern.

It's very weird to hear myself as a toddler, laughing and giggling as I opened my presents. Every time I would open a new present, whether it was a talking Big Bird or a Snoopy stuffed-animal, I would let out this delightful scream.

Though it was just an audio tape, it was very surreal and I could myself back then. Wouldn't it be nice to go back to those times and relive my life without making the mistakes I've made? I think so

Maybe

I should have saved

Those leftover dreams

Funny

But here's that rainy day

Here's that rainy day

They told me about

And I laughed at the thought

That it might turn out this way

Where is that worn out wish

That I threw aside

After it brought my love so near

Funny how love becomes

A cold rainy day

Funny

That rainy day is here

It's funny

How love becomes

A cold rainy day

Funny

That rainy day is here

--- Frank Sinatra

"I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in mylife, the strangest moment of all, when I didn't know who I was--I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I'd never seen, hearing the hiss of the steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and all the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high-ceiling and really didn't know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds. I wasn't scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life, the life of a ghost. I was halfway across America, at the dividing line between the East of my youth and the West of my future, and maybe that's why it happened right there and then, that strange red afternoon."
--Jack Kerouac

written on march 7, 1999... a long time ago

whenever i sit to dream
my mind often wanders
to where my soul has been for years

the tension between my fingers
the sadness of it all
the incredible sensation of
gripping my fate and letting go
of the past

i live but only because you taught me how

about this time 2 years ago, i was employed as a teller at a local bank. it was a very busy friday afternoon and the lobby was packed with customers with their freshly-printed paychecks ready for the weekend. as usual, we were short on help and it was only me and another teller, which caused a pretty big line to form.

that's when i noticed a man dressed in full hospital scrubs and dark sunglasses. he looked odd and i quickly became nervous as i knew something was not right. he really looked out of place.

as we worked the line, it became obvious that i was going to be the one to serve this customer cause the other teller was dealing with foreign currency which takes time. while helping the customer before him, i quickly moved most of my cash to the bottom drawer. at this point, i knew he was going to rob me. i just knew it.

i became nervous and my palms became sweaty. i finished my customer and motioned for him to come to my window. that is when i saw him reach in to his pocket and hand me a small note which basically said that this was a holdup and to give him all my large bills. he also instructed not to include any die-packs that would "blow up" and splatter him and the money with paint.

he gave me a small bag and i put all my money in it, which was basically all ten dollar bills. all my large bills were locked in the bottom drawer, which he didn't know about. i gave him a pretty huge wad of tens and he looked at me crazy. at this point i remembered the silent alarm button and i fumbled to find it. i'm sure he saw me reaching down and pressing it.

the last instruction on the note said for me to quietly walk back into the back room. as i did this, he quickly left the bank with about $900 in ten dollar bills.
after i made sure he was gone, i told my boss who at first didn't believe me. this guy was very quiet and nobody, not even the other teller who was next to me or the other customers, knew that i had just been robbed.

the next few hours was spent talking to the FBI, which was very wierd. they asked many questions and it was a very tiresome process. i was sort of freaked out by the whole thing... but it has become a great "war story" i tell my friends.
the police dubbed him the "bird dog robber" cause he sometimes wore a hat with a bird and dog on it. he robbed other banks, including mine again shortly after, but as far as i know, he hasn't been caught.

It was even in the local paper

I'm starting to do freelance Design work which is basically the only way I can make money at the moment. The job scene sucks and there are so many "Web Designers" out there looking for work. Oh well.... Whatever pays the bills..

I've been in a rut the past few months and hopefully things will be brighter soon. I hate money.

I've been listening to a lot of jazz lately. Miles, Coltrane, etc... It's really good to listen to when you're doing work. Also, stuff like Marvin Gaye and Bill Withers are becoming some of my favorite music to listen to... It's so real.

when i see your
i see where i need to be
i could wander around for lifetimes in your eyes that gleam love's radiant warmth

am i a to you?
are my eyes do perfect and radiant as yours?

can i bother you for just one second?

Man, Radiohead played this song last night in Santa Barbara... I wish I could have been there as it is one of my favorite songs. The way Thom sings it is bone-chilling.

I'm eagerly looking forward to my "Radiohead Road Trip" with Hal this August. We're hitting Chicago, Toronto, and Montreal. Then it's off to chill in Upstate NY for a week. Should be great.

I'll be moving all this "Jonathan" stuff over to a new domain at some point and moving it away from greenplastic.com. It needs its own home.

I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kitten smile
Just don't leave
Don't leave